That One Moment That Changed Everything

 I guess I should introduce myself.  But right now, I don't want to.  If you are reading this more than likely you already know who I am, and if you don't you will.  I am a 41 year old black woman who is working on getting her shit together.  And to be honest, I have a headache right now as I write this at 5:19 in the morning from drinking too much vodka last night.  To think, my goal was to have zero alcohol in November... and had none until last night when I found it someone I love very deeply was in an accident had has some brain damage.

Now look, this blog is not about to focus on sadness and wallow in pain.  It's actually the exact opposite.  It's being created to just let the shit out and fucking face it head on.  I'm not going to apologize for my language or try to make this pretty.  The truth is when you are looking to face yourself there is a dark and ugly side to it.  You have to take the time to assess your behaviors and patterns and how you do things.  

Finding this out about her changed everything for me.  Before I took that drink I screamed and I cried and I felt like the most horrible friend because I haven't been able to get to the hospital. Stupid Covid has it where you can only have 1 visitor a day.  Maybe a bit of back story will help you understand.

I had just seen my friend that last Sunday in September.  We talked that Monday, and then it was crickets.  There was no call, no text, no email...just nothing. We talked EVERY SINGLE DAY! I have some gifts that I will share later but I knew in my spirit something wasn't right.  I felt it in my core.  My kids (who are all grown by the way) texted her, I texted and called...and after 4 days my daughter was going to have the cops go by and do a wellness check.  I told her to wait.  I had been calling hospitals but no one had her...as of yet.  That Saturday it hit me that there was one hospital I hadn't called...and there she was. 

There was a sigh of relief because at least she was alive, but now it's why is she not answering.  There are parts of this story I may or may not share, but there were special circumstances of why I didn't just go up to the hospital that day.  For 6 weeks I have been calling and never got an answer.  My kids finally went up there to see her and as I already knew, she had already had a visitor and therefore they couldn't see her.  We had an old church friend who was a nurse at the hospital and we asked what that particular floor is for.  Surgical and Neurological patients.  My heart just dropped.  It's like you know in your gut, but when it's confirmed it just took my breath away.  I called the hospital again for the bajillionth time and THIS TIME SOMEONE ANSWERED! 

I guess a nurse was in her room and I asked how was my friend doing, she said "Oh she's fine, wanna speak to her?"  In that moment I was so freaking happy and excited because I hadn't talk to her in 6 weeks.  She gets on the phone and sounds like a 5 year old.  I had to keep it together.  I asked did she know who I was and she said I think so.  I said I am your friend.  She said you don't want to be my friend anymore? I died and came back.  That shit broke my heart because she was cognitive enough to ask that!  I said I will always be your friend.  I asked what happened and she said she was sick and then I asked were you in an accident, she said yes.  

When I hung up I lost it.  It was a wailing from deep in my soul.  But in that moment I spoke strongly and with so much faith and said SHE IS ALREADY HEALED AND I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE I DO ALL THAT I CAN TO LEARN HOW TO ASSIST IN THAT!  That one moment changed everything.  It made me look at what's really important, how I have held on to things that do not matter,  how I live my life as if I need permission to live it, and most of all how I view myself.  

Have I fucked up, yes.  Have I always made the best decisions, no.  Am I a good person, yes.  Do I wear my heart on my sleeve, yes.  Do I love hard, yes.  Am I amazing, smart, and worthy...YES DAMNIT! That little voice in my head that has told me to do things to myself I told that bitch to die! I will not allow that little voice to keep me judging myself so hard.  We get one life. 

It's like when Xanthos snapped his fingers in Infinity War and life changed immediately... that moment just happened to me. Let's see how this shit goes. Welcome to the journey.

TJ