I Will Live And Not Die

I haven't written on this blog in over four years... but today is the day.  It's 2:55am and I am up because I'm having anxiety attacks.  

I feel guilty for still being here.  

One year ago today, March 13, 2024, at around 12:15pm I had an eery feeling while working.  Long story short, I had an ischemic stroke... a brain bleed.  And right now, in this moment I feel guilty I am still here.  Another day I will talk about what happened, but right now I need to deal with my feelings so I can go to sleep!!!

Out of everything thing that happened, I remember my Mama saying "I will live and not die, say it." I said it, she said say it again and louder "I WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE!" 

This past year has had so many ups and downs, so many physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual changes.  But I'm grateful for it all.  This healing journey has been one for the books and whew chile, it has not been for the weak.  

I've been more vulnerable, more open, more accountable, more honest with myself and healing is not fun, but it's so worth it. On the flip side of that... for the past few days I could feel something was completely off.

While out with my Mama yesterday, I felt fine at first and then that eery feeling came over me.  I was able to get in the house and from around 6pm to now I didn't feel good.  I couldn't keep food down, my right side was extra heavy, and I couldn't catch my breath.  The fear of it happening again has overwhelmed me and I can't stand it.  My Aunt is a night owl, so I could talk to her and be honest on how I feel.  She made me a cup of coffee and said "Tranece, you're here because God is not through with you yet.  Remember what your Mama told you over and over again." 

I only remember Mama saying it twice, and she told me to repeat it.  

I will live and not die.  I have to honor that.

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